Volatility

6.29am thoughts, or thoughts that have been ringing through my head all these while but there is no rationale for me to voice it out. I mean what i'm processing is not exactly right nor is it wrong but i just feel so trapped under this stupid cage i am in and i desperately want to get out

and ugh

i can't get my thoughts together.

Things that feel wrong to me may be perfectly fine with other people or the party, but every time this kind of shit happens i just can't help feeling this way and its so damn fucking hard to push everything down back in. To control myself and tell myself i shouldn't feel this way but god damn it, I'm already feeling this way.

I dont know, its not that i don't possess trust or whatsoever, but i just feel insecure 65% of the time and I'm like aching deep within and i can't tell it to anyone because it doesn't make sense to other people.

But really, it has just happened time and time again and i don't know. I'm so sick of feeling this way, and i try so hard to dig for this security that is just so volatile.

//
& I dont even know
what you want from me,
from all the push and pulling games
which time and again we have failed to play.