I want to drown
in my own sorrows
somewhere
Where no one knows me
Also because there's no one here for me anyways

Maybe i'm in the wrong, maybe i have always been in the wrong. Yet i have been blinded, blinded by own selfishness, and the mentality that i'm making the right decision. Maybe everything was a bad decision, maybe i should just stay alone by myself & lock myself up in my whole whirlwind of emotions. Maybe i'm the worst demon that anyone could ever imagine. 

I feel so much like a horrible person. 

stress cry episode 1 /
dont think i can do this anymore. what did i sign up for?

O h

I miss having somewhere to write on so this blog will make do for the time being.

Have been pigging out for the past 1 week - not sure why my eating behaviours are so weirdly volatile. Literally gained 4kg just in a week because i ate suppers for like 4 days in a row. ugh, i know  my previous weight was unhealthy but i can't keep gaining weight like this either, and i kinda liked my previous weight so .... lol omg being such a girl

Listed out all the things i had to do for DP ( in my brain ) , and counted that i had about 4 weeks to DP so I'm officially.... really.... screwed. Also it doesnt help that I'm at week 1 readings even though its already the starting of week 4 lel.

Definitely won't be able to pull up my cap this sem i think ?? but ill try ): even tho i know trying is not hard enough. Gotta resist all the socializing temptations because i really cannot afford the time to do so. Really wanted to earn money while studying tho but i guess this month's extra $100 should suffice T^T

/At least i can tell myself i don't have to look back and regret, cause i won't ever regret the decision that i make between us.

Volatility

6.29am thoughts, or thoughts that have been ringing through my head all these while but there is no rationale for me to voice it out. I mean what i'm processing is not exactly right nor is it wrong but i just feel so trapped under this stupid cage i am in and i desperately want to get out

and ugh

i can't get my thoughts together.

Things that feel wrong to me may be perfectly fine with other people or the party, but every time this kind of shit happens i just can't help feeling this way and its so damn fucking hard to push everything down back in. To control myself and tell myself i shouldn't feel this way but god damn it, I'm already feeling this way.

I dont know, its not that i don't possess trust or whatsoever, but i just feel insecure 65% of the time and I'm like aching deep within and i can't tell it to anyone because it doesn't make sense to other people.

But really, it has just happened time and time again and i don't know. I'm so sick of feeling this way, and i try so hard to dig for this security that is just so volatile.

//
& I dont even know
what you want from me,
from all the push and pulling games
which time and again we have failed to play.